I am a member of a women’s leadership group; this is my sixth year. This powerhouse group consists of executives from various industries. The group aims to connect, inspire, and create a safe space for working women to have a tribe of resources. In the beginning, I was very reserved. I was intimidated by group members and sometimes felt I didn’t belong. Over time I grew more comfortable and I began to open up and shared all the change I have experienced: I have had three different positions; I divorced; my kids started and finished grade school. I even shared the loss of my mother and the profound impact, both negative and positive, and how it changed my trajectory of life.
Recently, I connected with another member from the group. As we finished catching up, she said, can I ask you, how do you move on from trauma? She shared that her daughter had a recent loss, and she wondered how I had gotten through and if I have any suggestions? First, this is such a complicated question. Second, I was honored that despite my feelings that I had only received from this group. Through my vulnerability and sharing of my story and experiences, I also helped the group.
Whether it is a job change that you were not expecting, a divorce, or the death of a loved one, if it was unimaginable to you, it is traumatic. You are unprepared for it. If you, too, have experienced a loss – no matter how near or far- these suggestions may also help. In today’s post, I will share the techniques I found helpful in difficult times.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
Allow yourself to feel without judgment. Accept that you have these feelings, whether it is anger, confusion, or numbness. Life is stressful; juggling a career and family is enough. Add an additional challenge, and it can be overwhelming. Remember, be patient with yourself and recognize there are little things you can do. Whenever I am stressed, I think of the song “Drink Water” by Jon Batiste. It’s amazing how this song and its lyrics calm me. So, take a deep breath and drink water.
Another tactic is journaling. Writing down your feelings can be a powerful tool for processing them. I have a five-year journal. Each day, I enter how I am feeling. I appreciate looking back from year to year to see how far I have come. It may not feel like you are making progress, nevertheless the sheer act of writing is a testament that you are moving forward.
Release a Timeline
When we experience traumatic events, it is natural to want to feel better quickly. However, giving yourself the grace to heal at your own pace is critical. In other words, lower your expectations and understand that grief is not linear. Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s 1969 book, On Death and Dying, outlined five stages of death and dying. The five stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. David Kessler, a collaborator with Elizabeth Kubler Ross, clarifies that the stages are not: “stops along the way.” Therefore, you will move forward some days and some may move back. It is all part of the healing journey.
Dr. Kubler Ross is no longer with us; David Kessler continues to share research and knowledge on healing through his website and resources at www.grief.com. I have learned to give myself grace and be patient with setbacks. Events may happen, and the trauma may resurface; it’s okay to feel the hurt again. When these things happen, I may need more time alone. If you feel obligated to do something, question whether it will help or set you back. You may need to sit it out.
Practice Forgiveness
People say dumb things in difficult situations. I learned despite how their comments may feel, they are doing the best they can. No one has a solid playbook for navigating challenging times, particularly death. No matter the words, try to see the good behind their intentions. Having friends who support you is crucial. Let people know that you don’t need words. Ask them to spend time with me. A good friend will understand. In the meantime, don’t let what feels like an incentive comment put distance between someone who only wants to help. Tell people how they can help. People are doing the best they can.
| Best Words | Worst Words |
| I cannot imagine your feelings right now. I don’t have the words, but I care about you and am here for you. I love you. | I know how you feel. |
| I am praying for you. You and your family are in my thoughts. | They are in a better place. |
| What do you need? | It will get easier. |
| My favorite memory of your loved one is? | At least they had a long life. |
| Say nothing, be with the person, and share a hug. | God never gives us more than we can handle. |
| https://www.donors1.org/family-support-blog-series-the-10-best-and-worst-things-to-say-to-someone-in-grief/ | https://mygriefandloss.org/ |
Focus on the Present
It’s essential to take small steps and focus on the moment. What can you do to make a difference in how you feel today? Several years ago, I read a book titled Make Your Bed: Little Things That Can Change Your Life by William H. McRaven. The book is a quick read. Making your bed may seem mundane, but you have accomplished something once you have made it. As the book explains, this small step helps move you forward to cope with adversity. The loss you are experiencing is not likely the opportunity you were looking for. Nonetheless, it may be a time to learn and grow to improve your situation. You will be amazed at your strength; take one step at a time, as better days are ahead.
Seek Professional Help
Expressing emotions, such as crying and sharing frustrations through venting, can help release tension. Over time, it contributes to your ability to move forward. Seeking professional help from a trained professional can help navigate your loss with an objective ear. A range of professionals focus on transitions and loss; this includes psychologists, psychiatrists, clinical social workers, and licensed professional counselors who focus on trauma-informed therapy. When choosing a professional, there are several things to consider.
- Credentials: Check their licensing credentials and confirm their qualifications to practice in your area. Psychology Today is an excellent resource for finding skilled professionals: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
- Specialization: Your situation is unique, and it’s essential that the individual you choose has knowledge, resources, and experience in the area in which you need support.
- Comfort: After your initial session, assess your comfort with the individual. Comfortability with those who help you is paramount to making progress.
When the unimaginable happens, there isn’t a guide to feeling better. It will likely take longer than you hoped and be more complicated than anything you have experienced. The five tactics I discussed today—acknowledging your feelings, releasing your timeline, practicing forgiveness, focusing on the present moment, and seeking professional help—are actionable steps to navigate challenging times. Remember, you are doing great; you are StarStunning. May each day be brighter than the next.
This brings me to today’s Star Stunning realizations:
- Acknowledge Feelings. Were you raised to hide your feelings? Enough of that, at least, no hiding from yourself. Feel what you need to, honor the feeling, and do something for yourself.
- Timelines are not required. Has your life been on a schedule? Have you been married by x, had children by x, and retired by x? Release expectations; things have changed. The plan may need to change. It may not be better, but it may not be worse. Let it be what it needs to be.
- Forgiveness helps. When someone hurts me, it is hard for me to forget. How about you? I have learned that when I hold negative energy, it only hurts me. Before you cast someone aside, consider the intent behind the action.
- Make the best of the day. Is there a small thing you can do today to bring you joy? Is there someone you can reach out to today to make tomorrow better? Whether it is a friend or a professional, consider taking a step and making the connection you need.
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