Feeling Down

Has there ever been a part of your life that isn’t working out exactly how you want? You have put forth a lot of energy towards certain results, you think it is getting better, but the reality is that it isn’t better? This is happening to me right now.  It is a tough thing to talk about and involves another person, therefore I am not going to share the details of what is happening. I am going to tell you about how I am feeling, the effect it is having on my life and the what I am doing to make it better.  

I learned on a Thursday that someone very close to me and who I have invested a lot of my personal energy in was not going to come through in the way I expected. Another person’s actions will not and should not deliver happiness to oneself, but I forget this, often. I felt disappointed, upset, and I was depressed. 

The symptoms of my depression were not favorable, but I had yet to recognize them. That same evening, I did not feel well, I felt overly tired and reserved. I still set my alarm for my typical 4:45 a.m. wake-up, but I didn’t get out of bed, not even for my 6 a.m. workout with my virtual workout crew which I never miss. That night I continued to feel tired, the day had languished, and again I was reserved. The next morning our workout crew was scheduled for 8 a.m. I had set my alarm, but I still did not get up in time.  By now I knew I was depressed.  This had happened before, but in the past, I was able to snap out of it pretty quickly, but this time I wasn’t.  A line had been crossed and I wasn’t sure what to do next.  

Despite the ups and downs of the pandemic I was very regular with my workout crew. Although, I have never met any of the women in person.  The leader knew right away something was up. She sent me a text on Saturday: How are you? We missed you this morning. Instead of answering ok, all is well, I didn’t cover anything up, I let her know I wasn’t in a good place and she immediately asked for a good time to connect on the phone. She called me, we talked, and I let her know the uncomfortable details.  It felt so good to talk to someone. She asked me: What small thing I could I do for myself today? I’ll I could think of was a long hot shower. That is what I did. It was a long holiday weekend and for the next two days, the leader texted, “How are you? What are you doing for yourself today?” She did not ask anything about our upcoming workouts. 

On Tuesday, I again lacked energy and ambition, but I told myself, just get up and do the workout.  Your friends will be there and it will do you good to just show up.  I wasn’t my spunky self, but I made it through. It didn’t solve my problem, but it made me feel better.  The next day, I told myself again, just get up and do it. Again, I felt better. I am still working things out and struggling with depression but because of the leader’s consistent check-ins I am not alone and motivated to stick to my goals. I had only met her virtually, nevertheless she was my friend. Her kindness and the regularly scheduled workout have given me the energy to keep going. Each day I feel things are getting better.