A Mother’s Tribute

I hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day, full of joy the way you imagined and hoped. Maybe you saw your mother; perhaps you spent the day with your children. No matter your circumstances, I suspect you thought about your mother. I hope she is here with you today, but at some point, every one of us passes from this life, including our mothers. That point for my mother came thirty years ago. I have talked about this before, and my mother’s passing has been challenging for me. On some level, it is for everyone. We all handle grief in our way. The only way I know is my way, which will be valid for you. Today I share with you how I spent my Mother’s Day weekend. I honored my mother, and I felt a sense of joy for the first time. I recognize that the sadness was necessary to get to the joy I feel today. I hope you are on a journey towards happiness, and if you need a little boost, may this post you some of that.

A little over four years ago, I was at my kid’s swimming lessons, and in superficial small talk, I asked another mom how she was going to celebrate Mother’s Day. She expressed that she had lost her mother about 15 years ago, and the day never feels like a celebration to her. I shared my story as well, and through our shared experience, she told me about She Climbs Mountains, a nonprofit focused on creating a community for motherless daughters. She told me about the Mother’s Day brunch that she had attended and the healing it provided. Our conversation was a few days before Mother’s Day, and unfortunately, the event was sold out. I couldn’t go to that event, but her response to my simple question has profoundly impacted my life and brought me to this weekend. Soon after Mother’s Day, I started attending other events with She Climbs Mountains, such as their coffee conversations and workshops, and I eventually took their facilitator training and began facilitating coffee conversations over zoom for the organization through the pandemic. She Climbs Mountains hosted an in-person Mother’s Day Tea this year, and I signed up immediately. After years of dreading Mother’s Day, I finally had something to celebrate with a community of women who understand. As with any of the She climbs Mountains events, I am excited to go and participate, but then I am also sad that this is my situation and this past weekend’s event was no different. Despite my anxieties, the Afternoon Tea event was remarkable for several reasons.

The Venue and the Event

The Mother’s Day Tea took place at the Lakewood Mausoleum Garden. This building is within the Lakewood Cemetery and is a healing, tranquil, modern architectural masterpiece. I had seen pictures of it, but I had not been there, and it was the perfect setting. It comforted me, and I felt my mother’s presence healing me. Cemeteries usually raise my anxieties, but this one did not for some reason. It may be that I am getting older, but I felt at home in the Mausoleum.

Additionally, the event was an Afternoon Tea. My mother loved tea, and at the event, the tea was served from a classic teacup/saucer, just like the collection I inherited from her. It was perfect, she may not have physically been there, but she was all around me.

Is there an unexpected place that you could visit to heal? Is there a beverage like tea, coffee, or diet coke that reminds you of your mother or loved one? Enjoy that today.

The Conversation

In all the books I have read on motherless daughters and conversations with women with similar experiences, I have found a common theme: many of us do not talk about our mothers. Either it is an unspoken rule in a family, or it is too difficult to do without crying, or we found it easier just to stuff the pain down further. The latter was true for me. Mom died on July 30th, and by August 15th, I was off to college. I put the pain away, and it wasn’t until ten years later that I started to address it, and after thirty years, it is still not easy for me to discuss. She Climbs Mountains programming has been an opportunity for me to talk about my mom and my experience. I have written about it and talked about it more in the last four years than in the previous twenty-six years combined. I shared conversations with my tablemates at the Afternoon Tea, including Clare, Daphne, Erin, and Nicki. Our experiences are different, but our loss is the same. As customary at She Climbs Mountains events, there was an opportunity to address the group and share a story. I want to share some points from another participant that stuck with me. She congratulated each of us for showing up and doing hard things. It is a wonderfully supportive community and a blessing to be a part of, but it is also sad for those who lost their mother, no matter the age, too soon. Showing up for ourselves is one of our most difficult tasks, and today we are here, and we’ve got this.
How can you show up for yourself today? Whether it is a 10-minute meditation, a call to a good friend or a relative, an additional cup of coffee, or a journal entry. Consider what you need today and do it for yourself.

The Activity

There is a tradition at Lakewood Cemetery to tie a message ribbon around a tree. We were each asked to pick a ribbon and write a tribute or message to our mothers. I chose a yellow ribbon. My mom was bright, and nearly every room in our house (including the exterior) was yellow. I felt it fitting. Fortuitously, we all received a yellow rose at the end, and again, I thought I had made the right choice. She loved roses, and she was well known for the row of roses in front of our house.

What can you do to send a message to your loved one? Is it a hemalum balloon with a message attached, a handwritten letter for safekeeping, or a simple yellow ribbon with a note you can visit? Consider a small gesture to express your feelings.

Passing it on

After the event, I went back and visited the tree with my ribbon and rose, and I snapped the photo below. I sent it to my daughter and told her I loved her. She sent me an image back with Lillo and Stitch and the message. “When someone you love dies…you never get over it. You just slowly get through each day. But you always keep them tucked safely in your heart.” It is incredible what a nine-year-old knows. I am amazed by my daughters and so grateful for their love and support.

Who can you share positive messages with today? Is it your dad, partner, child, or neighbor? They might surprise you in return.

Holidays bring on all emotions: anxiety, sadness, and joy. If you need extra support at certain times, as I do, consider what could lighten your load that day. I found the four things I took away from the Mother’s Day Tea: an event that brought me peace, sharing meaningful conversations, participating in a healing activity, and the act of passing on my experience brought greater joy to mayday, my weekend, and the meaning of Mother’s Day. I hope the same for you.