Managing Grief at the Holidays

December can be and joyous time for many and, on the other hand, a challenging time for some. A difficult time can be the case if you have experienced a significant loss. This loss may be recent, or it may be years past; either way, the holidays have a way of reminding us of that loss and brings that void into the light. Do you have a loss in your life resulting in grief this holiday season? In my experience, grief is a journey, and there isn’t much that can take it away. Time can heal, but a painful loss will always be there. My loss is always present for me and especially during the holidays. I have come to terms with this and have found ways that have worked for me to manage it. I will share a little of my grief story with you and practices I have found helpful to handle the holiday season. 

My significant loss happened nearly thirty years ago when my mother died from leukemia at 46. My mom was a single mom, and despite the challenges two children on her own created in her life, she always put my brother and me first. I loved spending time with her. We enjoyed shopping, watching movies and baking. She was a consistent and kind role model for me. Additionally, she loved Christmas, making cookies, hosting gatherings, and celebrating the birth of Jesus. My mom made everything at the holidays exceptional. As a result, the month of December has never been the same. My brother and I were both in college at the time, and keeping the family traditions going while we both tried to find our way was difficult. To help you understand a little of my loss, I have included a podcast created by my brother’s 14-year-old daughter, Addison. The podcast was an assignment from her English class. Addison, and her classmate, Mia, are both named after a grandparent who died before they were born. In the podcast, they interview their parents about their grandparents and the reason behind their name choice. In the interview with Addison’s dad, my brother mentions how much our mom loved Christmas. He also says many things I remember about her, such as her laugh and her kindness.

Your loss may be different. Numerous life events can bring about grief, such as a divorce, a move or sale of your home, the loss of a friend, or the loss of a loved one. Grief can show up in many ways. You may experience anger, anxiety, sadness, depression, a lack of energy, guilt, loneliness, or insomnia. If it impacts your well-being, it is essential to take special care of yourself to ease the burden as best you can. After many years of living with my loss, I have learned that it is ok to be sad. Suppose I spend time acknowledging the loss either through writing, mediation, or just having a few hours alone. In that case, it gives me space to consider what would help ease my burden. As a result, I try to find new ways to manage grief each holiday season. I want to share them with you, and maybe you will find something here that resonates with you. 

I allow myself to feel many emotions. 

It’s ok if I feel anxious or sad or lonely. I’m giving myself space and time to feel these emotions. I tend to make myself busy when I have these feelings, but it hasn’t helped me after thirty years. The usual result is that I am exhausted and depressed by January first. This year, I will let myself feel what I need to; I have reduced the number of holiday activities. I have accepted my loss. I will not necessarily feel sorry for myself. Still, I will give myself time and space to acknowledge how I feel. 

I create a daily self-love practice.

I feed my soul by reading affirming/positive/inspirational messages and write in a journal every day. I find inspiration from various sources, including recovery-based readers like The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie and faith-based books like Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman. I also like Jen Sincero’s strict love approach, “You are a Badass“ daily calendar. This year, I ordered A Year of Positive Thinking by Cyndie Spiegel. After my daily reading, I write in a gratitude notebook. I write what I am grateful for now, memories of my mother, or things in my life now that she made possible. Some days I have little to say and others more. I write what I can. At the end of my self-love session, I wrap my arms around my chest to my opposite shoulder, give myself the biggest bear hug possible, and express the words, “Amy, I love you.” Try it: your name, I love you.  

I send myself a gift.

This year I am sending myself is a five-year journal. A five-year journal gives me space to write a sentence or two about my day over five years. I can write about my children or how I feel that day. I am looking forward to it as after next year; I will reflect on what you were doing last year or two years ago. I can’t wait to look back and see how much the girls have grown or how things have evolved or changed in your life. I am taking advantage of Amazon’s ability to provide gift wrapping and a card message. Mine contains a message of love to myself, and I put it under the tree. What are you hoping for this year that would be special to you?

I embrace joy through music.

Holiday music can bring back memories. Some songs bring me joy, and some bring me to tears. Knowing this, I’ve curated playlists with holiday music that brings me joy. My mom loved classic Christian songs, such as “The Little Drummer Boy” and “Angels We Have Heard on High.” I stay away from these and focus on contemporary music. Some of my favorite songs are: “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” by Andy Williams; “Christmas Wrapping” by The Waitresses; “Last Christmas“ by Wham and “Do they know it’s Christmas” by Band-Aid. My husband and I created playlists and made CDs as holiday gifts in 2006, 2008, 2010, and 2013. I enjoy revisiting these each Christmas and know the music will be upbeat, and before you know it, I am dancing around the house. 

Grief is different for everyone. What works for some may not work for others. I hope that the ideas I’m sharing today give you peace and lessen your grief. If not, I encourage you to find ways to inspire yourself. Know that you are not alone, and it is ok to struggle with grief. Above all else, take care of yourself this year.

Below today’s Star Stunning Realizations I also share a poem by Donna Ashworth. Donna is also the source for the image of the invisible hug.