A Tomato Stained My Shirt

Whether you are leading a group, a project, or an initiative, do you struggle with criticism? As any leader knows there are good days and bad days. There may even be certain stages of your career where the bad days outweigh the good days and it can be hard keeping your view in a positive direction. I have experienced that stage and my leadership style was challenged regularly by my teammates. There were a few particular individuals who liked to stump me in the form of a no-win question at an open office meeting I was leading. In my mind’s eye, these no-win questions were in the form of a tomato and it had just been lobbed at me.  The image along with the angst in the question often put me on the defense and I felt a need to answer.  Looking back, that wasn’t the right approach, but that was where I was at the time. Week after week, I was disappointed in my reaction. A tomato was thrown and it went splat all over me.  

I suspect you know that a tomato stain never goes away no matter how many times you wash it. As much as I tried to brush it off, the questions stuck with me, but what stuck longer was my reaction. I tried through my response to deflect the issue back to the one who lobbed it. This of course was futile because the following week, the same thing would happen again.  

It didn’t happen overnight, but I feel I have found ways to better navigate a tomato and I as I write this today, I don’t feel I am in a stage where the good is outweighed by the bad. For this I am more than grateful! Nevertheless, as we continue to navigate through a global pandemic, 2020 and now 2021, I am happy that my increased time working from home brought a different definition of tomato to my life.

Like many states, our Governor issued executive orders to slow the spread of the Coronavirus Pandemic. This led to distance learning, followed by stay-at-home orders, business closures and an overall change of life for many of us.  In the midst of all the uncertainty, I had a desire to keep things simple and avoid venturing out much as possible. 

An activity I imagined to be simple and that would keep us at home was to grow a garden. Summer after summer I thought about growing one, but 2020 was my first time. The children and I tackled it together. I found a cute planter box through Facebook marketplace, we painted it and filled it with way too many seeds, but including basil, lettuce, beans, rosemary, and lovely flowers. As we were planting the planter box, I began dreaming about tomatoes. Unlike my earlier reference to tomatoes, this time I had fond memories of my mother, the tomatoes she grew, how much she loved to eat them. I also thought about how much I love to eat them. So, we trekked back out to the garden store and we purchased four varieties of tomatoes.

After the tomatoes were planted my entire summer revolved around the tomatoes. We live in a wooded area and one morning I woke up to deer eating most of my ½-grown tomatoes. I was devastated. I moved the tomatoes (they were in planters) up to the deck (four steps up). This worked for a few weeks and then the deer snatched them again! Ugh! Luckily my dear neighbor told me about a spray I could use to repel the deer. This worked as long as I sprayed them every five days and the children were sure to keep me on track with this task. Yes, the spray smells like urine, but we kept it up, along with daily watering, and by the end of the summer we had a lovely crop of tomatoes. It was a Star Stunning crop of tomatoes including Burpee Big Boy, Big Beef, Aussie, and cherry. The tomatoes brought me more joy than I could have imagined. I had accomplished something I had never done before and suddenly those no-win questions are work are no longer coming at me in the form of a tomato.  

Let’s not be mistaken, the questions are still coming, but I no longer see them as a challenge that will stain my clothes (reputation) for days and months to come.  The consistent attention, the problem solving and the reward of seeing our tomatoes grow helped me to slow down and think more broadly about the questions.  Just like a tomato, a challenging question is a deli shish wonder.  It is a chance for me to consider something I had not thought of. The person asking wants to be recognized and heard.  I no longer feel the need to respond quickly or in defense to the question.  I allow myself more time to consider an answer before I respond.  Sometimes the best answer, “This is a good question and I need time to consider it and I’ll connect back with you.”  The group may want to hear the answer, but getting back to the one who asked it is what is important.  Depending on the question, I have found a one-on-one follow-up session to be valuable.  It allows time for me to asks questions and learn more about the motivation behind the question.  I also like to ask what they would do if they were in my shoes.  The personal conversations eliminate the show, or the confrontation the individual may have desired and through the interaction I find the result to be more positive.   After the follow-up, if it is valuable to the group, I bring it back up in a future meeting as a summary and then give the individual the opportunity to add anything if they would like.

I am grateful for the experiences of 2020, I learned new skills that continue to serve me well.  I have slowed down, I get to the why, I follow-up and I nurture my team.  As a result, I am calmer, I am less defensive and I am better connected with the needs of my team.  Sure, the questions are still tough, but they are no longer a tomato, and my clothes are no longer stained.  Instead, my family enjoys tomatoes in salads, on cottage cheese, in omelets, and pastas. Above all, I enjoyed them to their fullest, I ate them whole, in slices, raw and cooked. It was so delightful and made my summer.